Lost & confused

I’m really just very lost and confused right now about a lot of things. These are the times when I usually give up but I am trying really hard not to.


I got up and went to the gym again this morning for an hour, which was great, I’m glad I did it a second day in a row.  I can’t go tomorrow morning because I have a doctors appt before work to talk about the anti-anxiety medicine my doctor put me on in september.  I haven’t seen her since I have been on it so there has been no regulation of it.  I’m actually hoping maybe they will give me xanax for emergency attacks or something. I will just have to see what happens, I have never had this sort of visit before so I don’t know what they will ask or do.  But if I keep up the early morning, early to bed then maybe I can keep going to the gym every morning.  Everyone is great on here trying to cheer me up and tell me to keep going but I am so frustrated right now.


I know I need to stop weighing myself everyday and yesterday was the first time I had weighed myself in a while but then I weighed again today, the weight was exactly same as yesterday, not even a fraction of a pounds difference.  I’m honestly not even actively trying to restrict right now, I’ve actually been trying to eat more.  I’ve been bouncing between 173 & 171 for almost 2 months now, it just doesn’t add up.


But now the battle is raging in my brain, like there are 2 people in there.  One says you have to eat at least 1200 calories but then other one says no no no that is too much, less is better. Logically part of my brain says that less is right.  Other people lose weight on less then 1200 calories a day so why can’t I? Less food going in means less fat which means less weight, right? Well in my head it sounds right. When I try to eat certain things now I get sooo full.  I had a sandwich yesterday for lunch and was stuffed the rest of the day from it, I didn’t even remember to eat dinner because I was still full. I tried to eat some more when I got home (breaking my new 7pm rule) to make it to 1200 but I still only had like 1000cal with my workout that morning. So far today I have had 610cals just for my 2 breakfasts so I will totally hit 1200 today, unless I don’t eat dinner again. Since my workout this morning burned 602cals I only have a net of 8.  


Do I have to have a net of 1200 with my working out or just a food consumption of 1200?


Everyone keeps telling me starvation mode but I don’t buy that, you don’t go into starvation mode for a month, when you are working out a few times a week and have energy even if you aren’t consuming lots of cals. I honestly haven’t binged that much without working out in the same day either.  Also this supports my Starvation mode being a Myth ideahttp://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=35501


There is a girl on twitter who’s like “I lost 20lbs in 5 months by running 4x a week & eating 6times a day”  Woohoo I lost 20 in my first 3 months of this journey so what is your point? Everyone is different, I got to be this fat by snacking too much so eating 6 times a day doesn’t appeal to me and isn’t very optional with my job either, even if it’s healthy. It’s either I eat nothing or very little or I eat way way too much & make myself sick.  I am a binge eater, once I start it is so hard to stop until the food is all gone. 


I really do think working out in the morning will start helping more then it did at night and hooping will start up again soon too but it’s only once a week this time around. Maybe I will cut out grains, I don’t eat as many as I used to but I could still cut out more. I’ve toyed with the idea of Veganism for a while now since I don’t eat much meat to begin with but I am just too lazy to do it without really needing too. I like meat, sometimes I crave it but I don’t eat meat with every meal, I eat it maybe once a day if that. I also love dairy & eggs so yea I doubt that would ever work for me. 


Oh well I am sad and tired from complaining and I feel like all I do now is whine but I just don’t know what else to do. I really feel like the harder I try at this the less weight I lose. Maybe I should stop trying. 😦

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Morning workout, middle age problems

Well I finally got up before work and went to the gym.  I got in a 50 minute jog and I am quite happy with myself. Going to try and do it again tomorrow.  I was feeling quite thin after the gym so I did weigh myself, nope it wasn’t thin that I was feeling it was fat. I gained 2 lbs. Sigh so I am now back at 173 from 171. It just makes me want to give up.  

My mom was saying I shouldn’t do the elliptical because maybe it’s not really doing anything but I know it is doing something. I can’t run on cement or treadmill’s cause it hurts my knees too much but I find walking on a treadmill at the gym to be pointless & a waste of time. I have a hard time taking advice from my mom when I know she won’t even go to the gym.  

Then she got on my case about trying online dating again. Saying she doesn’t want me to end up like her, alone at 50.  I know I am 29 and I need to lock down something soon if I am ever going to but I just don’t think online dating is for me.  I honestly don’t have the time to get to know someone new over drinks every night.  Part of why the last relationship I had didn’t work is because I wasn’t comfortable with myself, in my own skin because I am a tub of lard.  Until I can love myself there is no way I can love anyone else or get close with anyone else.  That last relationship all that ever went through my mind on dates was, “Is he going to want to be intimate tonight or ask me to spend the night?  I’m not a prude by any means but I have’t had sex or even really done any heavy petting in a few years and it’s something that really worries me when dating.  If I am more comfortable with my body & not thinking about who I’m crushing with my weight it might be easier for me to date. I don’t know, I just know the last time I had a good relationship it was with someone I already knew and there wasn’t any awkwardness, that’s what I want from dating, to just feel comfortable.


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Sorry for my absence, I know it’s been a while. I have been so swamped at work and then so exhausted at home that I haven’t been doing anything but go to work, come home/fall asleep, get up go to work again. Nothing has changed with my weight and I haven’t been working out.  I was going to go to the gym last night but I was stuck at work late and my kitten is sick with an eye ulcer again.  I’ll get to the gym on Saturday for sure.

On Wednesday morning I did psychiatry intake thing which didn’t go well.  They messed up checking me in and I waited an hour before someone realized it, then the doctor I was supposed to see wouldn’t see me and they couldn’t find anyone else.  I was so mad and upset that I almost walked out.  They stuck me with the head on call therapist an he asked me questions as quickly as possible so I wasn’t late for work. I ended up being Extremely Anxious and Moderately Depressed.  I didn’t really think I was depressed until I was evaluated. I guess I am a little depressed but I think it’s more discouraged then anything. They set me up a meds evaluation for next week and then my first session with the psychiatrist the week after.  I think the meds I am on for my anti-anxiety are actually causing some of the depression so I hope we can figure something better out.  I haven’t really been sleeping well at all this last week either, I’ve been taking ZzzQuil but it is starting to not work now either.

Starting yesterday morning my pain returned with vengeance. I ended up having to take 3 Oxy halves to get through the day at work.  I should probably go to the emergency room but I’m kind of afraid too. Well the pain woke me up in the middle of the night last night and hasn’t stopped since about 3am.  One my way into work it subsided and I thought it was done, then it came back again and i finally took another Oxy half.  It’ sort of helping. I need to get some work done but if it is still killing me after lunch, I think I will have to go to the hospital. 

I’m not eating now, I know something I had in the last couple of days has caused this, it has to have so I am not eating until after it all stops hurting. That is the only thing that has ever truly helped this problem so I am fasting until the pain stops. Wish me luck.

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Fire Dancing

These are my fire dancing teachers rocking out after we all lit up. They are so amazing & good. From left to right there is fire poi, fire staff, fire fans, fire hoop, & double fire staff. The girl fire hooping is my teacher Jill

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Light up Ceremony

So I did it, I spun fire around my body & I didn’t get burned at all! It was so fun & cool I wish I could do it all the time.  The video and pics aren’t the clearest but you’ll get the idea. The only bummer was that it was super cold last night & windy.  It was 50 degrees but with the wind chill I think it was closer to 30 or 40. I couldn’t feel my fingers or feet until 2 hours after i got home. I did really well the first time I went and was able to do quite a few tricks with no problems but the second time I went my body was so cold it just wouldn’t cooperate and I kept dropping the hoop.  Everyone said I did really good and everyone did really well actually.  There were only a couple people that had a really hard time & I think it’s because they were so cold too.  All in all it was amazing & I can’t wait till intermediate classes start next month!


a firery blur


Trying to do a lift up drop down




Fire Fans, Fire Hoop, Fire staff



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Girl on Fire

So tonight is the night, the night I finally light up for the first time and start hooping with fire!

I didn’t sleep well last night which is usual for me when ever there is something exciting the next day. I feel anxious, excited & terrified all at once and it’s not even lunch time yet.  We’ve had a our fire training but you never know how you will react when you are finally really doing it with fire.  They keep telling us it’s not a performance & it’s just an experience.  You can just hoop around your waist if that is all you are comfortable with or you can do tricks, it’s up to you.  

Well I am going to try and do some of our basic moves, there are some moves I probably won’t try just to be on the safe side but who knows, I might not be able to anything or I might be able to do all of them. I am going to try and have someone take pictures of me but they aren’t letting us bring guests so I will just have to see what happens and if there will be anyone that can take pictures.  I didn’t buy a fire hoop yet because they are $200+ and I can’t afford that right now so I have only gotten to play with a fire hoop once (without it on fire of course). The thing is you have to make sure you grab it in a spot that’s not on fire to do tricks so that is something I am concerned with not having practiced enough.

I will obviously post pics if I have some & write about the experience. I have been so nervous that I have been biting my bottom lip for the last 2 days & now it’s all swollen up.  I also chewed up the cuticle of one of my fingers till it bled, ahhh the wonders of having anxiety problems.

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moose crossing warning

Alright I promised to show progress pics that I took this weekend.  In all honesty I don’t see any difference from the photos I took 3 months ago even though I’ve lost almost 20lbs. 20lbs seems like a lot to me but when I look at these pics I see how much farther I have to go and it is a bit discouraging. I know I won’t be beach ready by summer but I would like to be more comfortable at least. Pleas try to be kind with any comments and no bullying.



Everything I have been doing lately is a failure and I need to rethink all of this.  I have a lot of food in my house that I keep binging on and I need to get rid of it asap. I can’t change my lifestyle if I don’t get rid of these things.  A lot of the stuff I have is time sensitive too so I want to eat it before it expires.  I am too wasteful already and it is my money not a parents that I am wasting & that has to stop also.  So this week I am going to eliminate a lot of stuff from my house and never bring it back. I’m not going to binge but just slowly eat it away.  Today I ate a bunch of fruit that I had (time sensitive) and a Matcha Soy Latte drink I bought last week that’s time sensitive & expensive.  I’ve got some yogurts to eat through & some meat too.  None of this stuff is really bad but I want to do a cleanse & fast to restart myself & I can’t do it with stuff going rotten.  I finished off my girl scout cookies last night & the last of my wine too. Las night was a binge for sure and I made myself sick when I decided to finish off all the peanut butter in my house.  My cravings from yesterday have been satisfied and I am doing good again today but not sure how long it will last.

This is the time when I would give up, actually normally I would have quit a couple of months ago but I am going to keep trying. I’m feeling down about the lack of results and the inability to lose more weight now for the last month but this is going to be my new life, not just a diet or a fad. I will be skinny and pretty someday, I will feel bones & muscle instead of fat & blubber. I have too.

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More calories?

So I have been stuck around 172 a long time now, almost 3 weeks, there was a few days where I was 174 & then back to 172.  I was at 171 this morning but big deal.  With as hard as I am working I should see more results.  

Everyone keeps telling me to eat more but it just doesn’t make sense to me.  You have to burn more then you consume but if I consume more, then I won’t be able to burn it off.  I know not eating enough calories slows your metabolism but how can it slow if I am still working out 4 times a week & speeding it up? I don’t feel tired or weak or like my body is working extra hard. 

I used to think eating 1200 calories was so hard because it was so few calories compared to how I normally would eat but now that I have been eating under 1000 it seems impossible to eat that much.  Especially when I am eating healthy foods. If you tell me to eat more calories I directly go to junk and overeating, that is just what happens to me. It’s either all or nothing when you have BED. ONce you start eating it is so hard to stop until after when you realize how much you consumed and then you hate yourself for it. But in that moment of eating nothing anyone says will help you stop. 

I’ve been trying hard to eat more calories today but eating good food at the same time & not going overboard.

Breakfast: English muffin with peanut butter & banana – 305 calories (I was so full after eating this)

Lunch: Turkey Slices, Yogurt & Kombucha – 210 calories

Not sure what I will have for dinner yet but I have a feeling it won’t be good for me. According to a equation a girl on Twitter had me use I should be eating 1700 cal a day! Are you kidding me? I’m not a guy & eating 1700 is how I got this fat in the first place. I know it wasn’t as healthy as I am eating now but still it just seems like too much, you always hear 1500 or 1200 but 1700 is a lot. I mean honestly if cutting calories & restricting didn’t work, there wouldn’t be so many skinny girls out there.

It’s not like I am starving, in fact I’m not hungry at all most of the time & my body has plenty of fat reserves it can live off of before I would ever die from eating too few calories.

I think I will for sure take photos of myself this weekend & compare them to my pictures I took when I started.  I think there will  be a little bit of difference that you can see.  I promise I will post them too.



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