Thigh Gap Thinspo!

I haven’t posted any actually thinspo in a while so here goes!

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Hollywood Miracle Diet (kind of offensive)

So I saw someone tweet about doing this 48 hours diet.  I hadn’t heard of it before which surprised me so I started checking it out.  It sounds like you mostly lose water weight but the reviews are actually pretty good for it.  Most people say they lost 7-10lbs on it.

I really just need to lose some more fast before this weekend.  I really want to buy a cute dress from this new store I discovered, thankfully the designs are meant for a curvier body like mine but if I could be less bloated when I try them on that would be amazing.

Well the mega Walgreens didn’t have it and I checked online and none of the Walgreens in the area have it either so then I checked Walmart.  Of course they have it in stock at the location closest to me.

 I know a lot of people hate Walmart but I really don’t care, they have shit no one else does and I like that convenience. What I don’t like is the fact that the only 2 Walmarts in the LA metro area are either in the deep valley or in Inglewood.  Hmmm either I go to Inglewood,  and get shot or I go to the deep valley and be annoyed by massive amounts of Mexicans, tough choice (BTW this is not racist or a stereotype it is a fact).  Both Walmarts are 3 stories high and bigger then any I have seen anywhere else so they are overwhelming to begin with.

It’s just annoying to me that when I go to Walmart I seem to be the only one who speaks english, even the workers, which makes it really hard to get help or find stuff.  The Walmart in the valley literally has more mexican brand items then american brand items, like seriously WTF.  So basically going to Walmart is a rare occurrence that becomes very stressful & has to be planned carefully since it turns into a 3 hour ordeal.

That became a bit of a rant but I had to get it off my chest, language is something I find very frustrating, since I have lived in other countries and not speaking the official language would never be allowed the way it is in America.  I don’t care if english isn’t your first language but you should be able to speak it to get a any type of service job. One worker shouldn’t have to get another worker to translate english for them!

So anyway after I spend an hour waiting to pick up my prescriptions after work I will try and go to Walmart to get this diet drink, my special kitty litter only Walmart sells & a new cat carrier to bring my kitten on the plane with me for xmas. There aren’t enough hours in the day to run all the errands I need to and it is driving me crazy. I hate working 10 hour days, it’s impossible to get shit done. These are the times when I have a serious need for speed.

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Yesterdays failures can be todays achievements (or some crap like that)

Well yesterday probably wasn’t a failure but it was in my mind.  My calories were at like 1200 and I failed to go to the gym.  I was all dressed and ready to go but my phone was dead so I kept waiting for it to get more charged.  I listen to Pandora and read a book on my phone when I am at the gym so I really need it to be full capacity or it won’t make it through the entire time. So by the time it was ready it was 10pm and I had smoked a lot of weed in the meantime.  I usually smoke before the gym because it helps calm down my anxiety and get me in the gym without a panic attack. I also realized I have pretty bad shin splints from walking in bad shoes all weekend.  So I just went to bed without dinner instead. Oh I did do 100 different crunches and a knee elbow touch things to make myself feel better about not going to the gym.

So today I brought my phone charger to work with me so I can have it all charged when I get home tonight.  Just change & smoke & I’ll be ready to go.  I really have to try harder to make it to the gym, it’s the biggest thing I am failing with.   I have my soup from yesterday ready for lunch but there is this new magical mega Walgreens next to my work that just opened and I really want to eat something from there.  I went in there this morning to see if I could find the Hollywood Miracle Diet (I didn’t find it) and it was the most amazing Walgreens ever, they have a whole fresh deli market, with fresh made juices, smoothies, sandwiches, salads & even sushi they make in front of you!  They also have like 5 aisles of candy and 5 different slushy types.  A liqueur store in the back too! So I really kind of want to get something from there for lunch to try, the salads looked pretty good & everything has easy to read calorie counts on them!  I looked at one of the salads this morning and it would be double the calories of my soup probably but now that I am not doing the ABC diet I’m just trying to stay under 1000 calories a day and I am determined to go to the gym tonight. So we’ll see what happens, maybe I pick something up for dinner instead of lunch.


I do still want to try and fine this Hollywood Miracle diet though, I could use a quick drop before I go dress shopping on Sat. for my xmas party.

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Back to my food BS & my kitten

Alright well after a lovely weekend of eating tasting shit I feel horrible.  I am hungry constantly again & I am done with the ABC diet.  It is just too impossible to actually do if you have any sort of a life.  It’s just not realistic unless you are a complete shut in and never interact with people.  The last 2 weeks I have been eating in my work bay & turning down my co-workers lunch offers left and right.  Last week people were like where have you been, I never see you anymore.  This is mainly because most work convos go on in the kitchen which I have been avoiding at all costs.  I was back in restrict mode this morning but then a co-worker asked me to go out to lunch with her since she hadn’t seen me much lately.  I tried to refuse but felt bad for neglecting the work friendship with the only girl at my work & went with her.  She ordered chicken super nachos from this mexican place everyone eats at but I have never had the chance to try so I ordered the same thing. They were awesome & it felt good to interact with people at lunch again instead of staring at thinspo during lunch.  I feel sick now & the nachos were way over my whole days worth of calories so I am for sure going to the gym tonight which I had actually already planned to do.  I have to burn like at least 400 cal tonight to level things out a little.

I think going forward with this week I will just try to be somewhere under 1000 every day.  I’m also not drinking this week since I have my works massive alcoholic xmas party saturday night.

On a side note someone asked me what kind of kitten I have so I am going to post a picture of her.  She’s a persian and she is so damn cute.ImageImage

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Nana’s bulimia

So I am not really sure why my friends bulimia is bothering me so much but it is.  I have had friends who were bulimic before but I didn’t find out until years later.  I myself have never been able to purge no matter how much I want to and I can’t imagine purging in a public bathroom.  I don’t think I am judging her or being a hypocrite, I just think I don’t want her to feel like me.  I don’t want her to be hating her body that much and I hate the thought of her feeling terrible or guilty.  She is so beautiful and so nice but she clearly can’t see it.

I think the other reason it bothers me is why this all started, because of her stupid ass boyfriend.  He cheats on her a week after she leaves Japan with her friend who is super skinny so now Nana feels like she needs to be super skinny to keep him.  The guy sounds like a piece of shit and Renee and I can’t figure out why she is still dating him.  He doesn’t work & gambles instead to make money! She bought him a birthday present and he didn’t get her anything on her birthday.  Then while I was there she said he wasn’t getting her a gift for xmas but she wanted to bring him back a $200-300 necklace from America cuz he asked for it. What?!

Nana was kind of on the chubby side for a young asian girl when I first met her but she has always had a beautiful face.  I was really happy for her when she first started to lose weight because she seemed so much happier but now I can tell she isn’t happy about it and she is so thin.  She just pats her non-existant tummy & frowns.  I didn’t really pay much attention to her self putdowns because this is a very Japanese thing to do.  In Japan you always say no to a compliment, otherwise you are considered cocky & rude but I suspected bulimia even before Renee told me about it.  She never used to be self loathing and that is what worries me the most.  I see all the girls I follow on twitter hating themselves and hurting themselves and it hurts me to think she is doing the same thing to herself.

She goes back to Japan at the end of the month & things could either get better or worse.  I hope better since she got worse by being in America.  She will be back at school which means she still won’t be close to her boyfriend but at least she will be surrounded by more friends and people she knows for support. Studying abroad can be very lonesome & depressing so I think Japan will be better for her.  I just hope her parents aren’t pushing her to be this way either, which means it could get worse.   Parents push for marriage and kids in Japan a lot since the young population is dwindling.  Being settled is top priority for elders in Japan & that pressure could also be causing her to think she needs to stay with this loser boyfriend because she thinks who else could love or want her.

I am going to be keeping a very close eye on her FB & I am going to really try and skype with her to try and put my own mind at ease.  I kind of wish it concerned Renee more but she may have already tried to confront her on it but I don’t know.

I’m not really sure how the Japanese view EDs either, maybe it is very common there. **Sigh** Anyway I love her and I am worried for her but there is really nothing I can do so I will just hope she gets better for now and this doesn’t rule her life forever. -_-

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Weekend update after San Fran

WOw it took me all morning to catch up on reading the blogs I follow and yes, if I follow you, I do read your blogs.  Anyway my weekend was interesting and fun but I didn’t follow any dieting at all to be totally honest.  Every time I tried to it was pathetic, so I just stopped trying to count my calories.

My flight was delayed by 2 hours because of the rain so I went to chill at a bar.  I hate flying so I had to medicate with alcohol even if it’s just a 1 hour flight.  Well 2 drinks and one coconut shrimp later I was on my way.  I hadn’t eaten breakfast and it was a late lunch.

I was visiting 2 of my good friends from Japan who are going to school in SF now, I hadn’t seen them since I visited Japan last year.  I about died when I saw my friend Nana, she looked like a lollipop head (ya know skinny body big head).  I kept fawning over her weightloss the entire time I was there and she just kept shooting down all my compliments (clue #1).  The last time I saw her she had lost a lot of weight but not this much and she said she just starting cutting out all her carbs (being Japanese most of her diet was rice) so she lost a bit of weight, I think she had lost like 20lbs then. Now she has lost almost 60lbs.

Anyway she was starving and I was pretty hungry too so we went to a sushi place nearby.  We each ordered 2 sashimi and 1 specialty roll & shared.  I ate maybe half of my roll set and my 2 sashimi and was stuffed but she was still so hungry.  She tried to keep making me eat more but I told her no, you eat it, so she did.  I couldn’t believe how much she could eat without getting full at all.  I kept asking what her secret was but she wouldn’t tell (clue #2), she would only say that her boyfriend cheated on her with a skinny girl so she had to be skinny now. (WTF!) We had fun and were drinking but I noticed she wasn’t really drinking much, even though she kept ordering drinks.

The next day her and I went out sightseeing and all day she kept asking, do you want to eat? Are you hungry?  I assumed this was because she was hungry but I kept pushing to have breaks between our eating as much as I could.  I did start to notice though that she would go to the bathroom shortly after we finished eating every time. (clue #3) So we pretty much spent the day eating and walking around (thank god for the walking).  On saturday I ate (this is so gross to list but I need to):

Orange chicken & rice (chinese) (I didn’t finish this)

Ghirardelli ice cream parfait (very berry) (I did finish all of this)

Boudin Clam chowder in a bread bowl (didn’t finish this)

Pesto capellini (only ate half of this & half of my side salad)

She begged me all day for the clam chowder so I finally gave in, I’ve never had clam chowder so I ate it in the spirit of it supposedly being the best clam chowder around.

So anyway we walked/rode muni all over SF on Saturday and ate a lot in between.  That night our other friend finally met up with us so we could go out clubbing. We smoked some pot (which they both smoke) and gave my friend Nana a edible to try.  But then she got really sick or she said she felt sick.  We told her eating something might help because Renee hadn’t eaten but she just wanted to go to be in my hotel room.  We let her go and then went out for italian.

Well while Nana was back at the room (looking gorgeous btw, she had a super sexy dress on but thought she looked fat in it) (clue #4) we went to dinner & out to the bar. Well I mentioned the weight loss thing to Renee and how I was trying to lose weight too.  She said she wanted to lose weight too but not the way Nana had.  I wondered what she meant by this and she just said Nana is pretty much anorexic which was the exact opposite of what I had seen all weekend so I questioned her on that comment saying she ate more then me the whole time.  Well Renee finally broke down & told me Nana is bulimic.  She purges after every meal and works out intensively daily.  Renee also told me this is why her Nana haven’t been hanging out as much, cuz she is so obsessed with losing weight.

The next day we went out walking again and grabbed a slice of pizza around 2pm, none of us had eaten at all yet so it should have been ok & Nana wanted to have pizza earlier so that is what we had.  After she held her face in her hands & shook her head back & forth disapproving.  I asked if she felt ok & she said she was but she was guilty & paranoid for eating it.  She is afraid she will become her 300lb roommate I guess too if she eats too much pizza & chips. Renee and I tried to justify it to her since she didn’t eat dinner or breakfast.  We told her it was ok & that we were walking a lot so it was fine, she perked up a little after that.  Then we said our goodbyes & I headed to the airport.  Nana started crying when I left because she is going back to Japan at the end of the month.  I felt really sad after leaving too.

This post got long so I’ll talk more about Nana in my next post.  All in all I had fun but I couldn’t weigh myself today, I’m too scared but I am going to the gym tonight.

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WHy is it snowing on my blog?  I thought I was imagining it at first & then I realized no, there are little floating specs on my screen not my eyes.  Wordpress I don’t like it.

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Just a bored update

Ugh I broke down and got a cup of mashed potatoes, they are my go to comfort food next to mac & cheese & rice.  I always want them when I feel sick and I started to feel really sick at work.   I was waiting to go to Trader Joes till I got my paycheck so I could hit the bank too on my lunch break but it still hasn’t showed up. It’s raining out too so I didn’t want to walk in  the cold rain.  Therefore I never got to go get my Watermelon for lunch at trader joes.  I ate my green beans for lunch but it just didn’t help.  I was starting to get so nauseous and dizzy.  I also got a side salad at the same place in my building and they gave me a huge ass salad, I took like 2 bites and put it away because it was too much.   I also think my master cleanse from yesterday is giving me bathroom problems today adding to me not feeling so hot.

I can’t wait for tomorrow to be here already. I know i’m going to binge later tonight too. 😦

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150 day

Well I made it through my fasting day and even though I had 200cal from my master cleanse I didn’t actually eat anything, so whatever it counts. Today is a 150 day.  Now this bugs me because honestly what is the point in a 100 or 150 cal day?  Why not just fast? That 150cal can’t really be doing anything for you nutrition wise you think?  I was racking my brain all last night trying to think of what I could eat today but stay under 150, hell the master cleanse has more calories then that.

Anyway I’m eating a cup of strawberries for breakfast and brought some green beans for lunch.  I think I might go pick up some watermelon on my lunch break also to finish out the day at around 150.  

I weighed myself again today, which I know is bad but I just had to do it.  I lost exactly a pound. Which is good and I actually felt a little more comfortable in my clothes today which means something must be happening.  I’m sick of only being able to fit into a couple pairs of my jeans and wearing hoodies everyday to hid my muffin top. Even though I actually love wearing hoodies.  I’m going to San Fran for the weekend and I have no idea what I am going to bring with me to wear. At least it’s a short week and this is my last day of work.

I know I won’t hit my calorie amounts this weekend but maybe Sakura and Nanako are dieting too and we will be eating healthy while I am there.  Last time I saw Nanako she had lost like 40lbs just by cutting the rice and carbs out of her diet.  At least seeing those girls this weekend will make me feel happy all through the holidays.  I really want Sakura to move to LA permanently, but I know since her mama is back in Japan she could never do it.  It’d be nice if she did it for a little while though after she finished Uni.  Anyway  I probably won’t be blogging while I am gone so it will be quiet on here and on twitter probably.

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Lets get Real

So I started this anon blog so I could have a place to actively support myself in my aspirations to be thin again but I also started because I needed a place to get some things out of my head.  I don’t have very many people left in my life that I can confide in and the ones I did have betrayed me.  There are so many things about me that no one knows and will probably never know because I am too afraid to share them.

Although I do enjoy having followers and people hopefully listening and maybe learning from what I write but it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t.  I will probably lose some followers after I talk about certain things but hopefully no one will judge me too harshly. I hate being told who I am by other people so I have never been a big fan of therapists or psychologists, especially considering one tried to put me on Lithium a month after my dad died saying I was Bi-polar after only meeting me once.  I don’t trust doctors & I don’t trust most people.  I only trust myself and that’s it.  I was going to write something really personal but I don’t think I can yet so I am just going to truncate it down to the simplest form right now and then I will breakdown those things further at some point.

I am me, get used to it.  I am a recovered cutter who had suicidal tendencies, I am a recovering drug addict, I refuse to believe I am Bi-Polar but I will agree to formerly depressed & cope with severe anxiety daily.  I was pregnant once, I was in love once, I was the other woman once.  I have had plastic surgery but no one knows.  I have little conflicting voices in my head, but they aren’t personalities just opposing viewpoints in my brain, One says eat the other says starve. I am a nerd, like really nerdy. I cry daily for no reason what so ever.  I smoke pot, a lot of pot for self medication.  People hate me because I am a bitch, I hate me because I am a bitch but this is usually only at work.  I care too much and then I don’t care enough.  I am lazy & slobbish but I can’t bring myself to change that.  My mom was an ana, my dad is dead and so are lots of my friends. I am 29.

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