I would like to apologize for my long absence on here. A lot has been going on, mostly bad but hopefully I can pull it together after this weekend. I don’t even know what I talked about on her last but I got my nose pierced & cute little wrist tattoo a few weeks ago. After the nose piercing my mother disowned me & we are still not speaking. She doesn’t even know about the tattoo yet either. We have only communicated through text message here and there. She let me know her cancer biopsy came back negative which was good & meant I didn’t have to fly back to MN for her surgery. We went from talking every other day to not speaking for 3 weeks now.
A friend of mine and former coworker killed himself last week. Since he worked at our company for many many years practically everyone knew him or knew of him. He was that kind of person, he just burst into any room & made everyone happy. I never saw him sad or mad, he was always the most cheerful person I knew. The party didn’t start until he arrived & then things got fun. His death devastated everyone and we are all still trying to piece things together. I try not to think about it too hard because every time I do I start to picture how his death may have happened & that is terrifying. He jump from the 16th floor of his apartment building and landed by the pool. We work on the 16th & 17th floors of our building so every time I look out the window down to the street I imagine it & the terror he must have felt as he was falling. Video cameras showed him running and jumping, so we know he didn’t fall but I honestly think it was an impulse which means he regretted it the whole way down. A witness also said he was shouting stuff the whole way down which freaks me out even more, I wish his girlfriend had never told us that part. It makes me sick to think about it. His family’s memorial will be on Sunday so once that is over with I need to try and get back on track with my life.
I have fallen so far off the wagon with everything the last 2 weeks. I’ve been binge eating on anything & everything along with drinking & smoking really heavily every night. I know I am back in the 170s, I just don’t know how bad it is because I don’t want to weigh myself.
The saddest thing to me though is how desensitized I am to suicide. Give me a natural death or accident & I will ball like a baby but when someone kills themselves I’m pretty fine. I was messed up initially but I have been handling it pretty well. Maybe because it still doesn’t feel real but he makes #6 of my friends who have killed themselves and after a while it doesn’t surprise you as much or shock you anymore like it does other people who haven’t experienced it. So many people were mad at him but I know there is no point in being mad. I was mad about others for years but it doesn’t change anything to be mad, the person is still gone. I think it was the fact that he jumped that messed me up so much. I have experienced hanging & shotgun deaths but never a jumper. Experiencing that fall and know when you hit your dead, is a terrible thought to me. It just makes me fear death even more then before & certainly hasn’t helped with my anxiety.
I will try and update more, especially if I can get back on the wagon after I eat my emotions at his memorial on Sunday.