Just Be

The last couple of weeks have been tough, not really sure why but I just don’t have the drive I had at the beginning of the month before I got sick.  I finally went grocery shopping & got healthy stuff but I really don’t want to eat any of it.  I was suppose to only eat fruit today but that lasted a half hour before I got a pop tart instead (it has fruit in it kind of).  All the fruit I bought is super sour because it’s not really the right season.  This isn’t helping since every time I eat some of the fruit I cut up, my face puckers up and my eyes water. I ended up having to sprinkle splenda on my berries to make them sweeter & edible.  For some reason since this weekend my body has just hurt.  I can’t figure out if it’s little bruises I can’t see or torn muscles.  It doesn’t feel like muscles though, it just feels like hurting. 


It could all just mental to be perfectly honest.  I’m not a really a hypochondriac but I do have a tendency to get ill for no reason. I always get the stomach flu on holidays & if I am too mentally strained my body takes a hit from it.  Things are better with the roommate & I think the flea situation is resolved but it really messed up my finances honestly. Ever since xmas I can’t pay my bills on time but I have so many things I need to spend money on.  I have to take my cat to the vet still since the flea situation, I have credit card debt up to my eyeballs so much so that I had nightmares last night about my cards being declined. My car needs serious work done on it I think but I keep avoiding taking it in.  I also have friends and family bugging me to come visit them constantly.  I’m sorry but I can’t just fly off to anywhere I feel like it last minute, traveling costs so much money that I don’t have.  I think I need a 2nd job on the weekends. but I already work 50 hours a week minimum.


I was so set yesterday to be good and just eat fruit when my BFF started texting me.  She told be the night before that a friend of hers had died over the weekend.  I knew him and had hung out with him a few times over the years.  We were even just talking about him when I was home for Christmas. I felt bad but didn’t think much of it till the next day. I went to go look up the accident since it had happened on a well known lake in MN.  Sure enough it was front page headlines with 2 stories up on one of the news websites.  They had just released the names of the victims. The first video I watched sort of made me mad since the angle of it was that people were stupid & shouldn’t be driving where signs are post “Thin Ice.”  It made me mad because there was no sympathy in it for the victims what so ever, it was more about how other people can prevent something similar from happening.  Then I watched the other video.  This one killed me. It explained why my friend was doing what he did and they talked to his friends that knew him best. 


Basically he was raised by his grandmother and gave up his whole young life (20’s) to take care of her and spend time with her while she was still here.  They always took a drive on Saturdays and explored new routes they had never gone on before.  For whatever reason their outing on Saturday took them to Lake Minnetonka & they drove on the ice.  My friend called police when the car when through the water but their bodies weren’t pulled out until an hour later. He was 31, his grandmother 89. My best friend said she knows he could have gotten out of the car, especially since he called 911 but he wouldn’t leave his Grandmother. He would have rather died by her side then let her die alone.  My BFF was supposed to go to his annual superbowl party the next day, he texted her earlier before the accident to confirm she was going but she never got the chance to text him back before he passed away.  I’m not sure why I got so emotional but he was a great guy and I just had to leave work and be alone because my BFF was alone back in MN. We sent each other pictures of him & shared some happy memories of him & I fielded questions online from other people who met him before. When I left work at lunch I cried all the way to Taco Bell & binged pretty hard but didn’t eat the rest of the day after that.


I think in general my life force is down.  It’s a weird way to put it but I just feel blah, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to restrict, I don’t want to workout, I just want to be. 


About smashvip

A fat girl who was skinny once, just trying to find her way back to skinny & happy. You gotta look good to survive LA LA land.
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2 Responses to Just Be

  1. Undead Ahead says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. He sounds like he was a really sweet guy to sacrifice so much. You know what they say though.. it’s always the good ones and that seems to be true.
    I can relate to the not wanting to do anything. I get like that too. I just want to be happy with myself regardless of my weight or what I eat. That’s what it comes down to at the end of the day. Being happy. For a second that’s what I do. I throw out all my ideals and just do whatever I like. Then I gain weight and blame myself again. It’s really a vicious cycle.
    I hope you’re doing okay though and your BFF is coping.
    Remember to take care of yourself.

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