I want to get this out while I am still feeling horrible about it. I barely made it through my hoop class without crying and then the second I got in my car I started balling the entire drive home. I never used to be a cryer, in fact I went for like a good 10 year period where I didn’t shed a tear over anything, then something happened in my life and now I cry at the hallmark card commercials on TV. I know I am weak when it comes to this so I was glad that I could hold it in until I left class.
I was fine for the first half of the class, not doing as well as I had hoped and seeing how good some of the girls had gotten in just 2 days. Most of the girls didn’t get hoops on Saturday and we special ordered them tonight but a few had their own already so they were amazing tonight. I on the other hand continued to fail miserably. I kept hitting myself in the head with the hoop and failing to do any of the new or old moves I had learned but at least I was at the back where no one could really see. Well then my lovely teacher decided to make the people in the back move to the front. OK no big deal right?
Well I have issues with people looking at my back, it’s a weird thing but at restaurants I can’t have my back to open area or the door, I just don’t feel comfortable, I have to have it back against the wall. I was fine at first till I could not do the move we had been practicing forever and now everyone could see. Not to mention I kept throwing my hoop while trying to do the move nearly killing everyone around me! So embarrassing! The teacher then came around to help people individually. Well when she got to me it was trouble. She tried to help and she did a little but I just couldn’t get it and at that point I was getting so tired I didn’t have the muscle or the stamina to really keep trying with my full effort. She could tell I was losing hope and said she would give me a break and come back in a bit, this is when the tears started coming. I held my breath for a bit and closed my eyes while I was practicing (they encourage this so you feel the movement, so I didn’t look like a total idiot) so that the tears couldn’t come out. It worked but I knew people could tell I wanted to cry because the girls around me were giving me pity compliments. I stayed after a bit so I could order my hoop and I just paced around the corner from everyone else until it was my turn to order.
I knew what hoop I was going to order but some bitch that’s awesome already told me that it was stupid to get a beginner hoop when you’d just have to get smaller ones later as you got better so then I started second guessing what hoop I should get. I tried to talk to the teacher about it and she wasn’t very helpful, I felt like she just wanted me gone because I was so stupid and holding up the line with my lack of decision making skills. I squeezed out a smile and got the hell out of there. I honestly didn’t actually make it to my car before I started crying but it didn’t turn into full blown bawling until I got on the road, I just cracked.
All I can think about it what a big loser failure I am, this is why I don’t take classes like this because there is always someone better then me and to me that is unacceptable. I don’t know why I get like this or why I am so hard on myself but I am and have always been. Even when I go to the gym I have to stay on the elliptical longer then anyone else around me, even if I’m going to pass out, I just get really competitive with myself. It’s funny I have no interest in sports though and never have. It took me years to finally go snowboarding because I didn’t want to be the adult loser in a class while there are 10 year old doing flips down the mountain laughing at me as I fall on my ass.
I know a lot of people feel this way about things but when I think about it, there is no good reason for me to cry like a baby over a hoop dancing class just because I can’t get the moves right away, no reason. I just get in such a self loathing mindset and then I get sad and pathetic. Basically I’m too fat & out of shape for the class so it will take me a lot longer then all the skinny athletic girls in the class and that makes me want to cry.
I don’t want to quit like I have so many times before but I also don’t know if my anxiety & fear will let me go back. I’m going to keep trying because it is a really great workout and it will be fun when I get better.
I have more bruises too which doesn’t help but now I have weed & beer & I am going to bed.