So I’m sitting here all ready to go to the gym and the pain starts. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you’ll sort of know what I am referring to and how long I have dealt with it. I’m trying to write because there is nothing else I can really do but it’s a real struggle right now.
I took some medication but it isn’t working for some reason. That either means one of 2 things, either my tolerance is too high right now and I need to take more or the pain is so bad it’s pushing through the drugs and I need to take more. I want to take more but I very carefully ration them out to my self, only if the pain is bad enough. Sometimes I can just tune it out if its a lingering mellow pain but when it’s bad like this I can’t handle it. I used to describe it as a hot knife stabbing me but it’s more like twisting the knife while it’s inside, I lose control of my body and start spasming my back uncontrollably. SOmetmes I roll my eyes in the back of my headcause I I just can’t take it.
I’m trying not to cry because I was so good and determined today and now I don’t think I can drive myself to the gym safely let alone try and work out. Like fucking seriously I hate my life my body. Why can’t we fix this, what did I eat or do to cause it to be so bad? I’m so tired of trying to fight this, I just want it to take me whatever it is. Ugh I just don’t understand how something so horrible can’t be figured out. fnjejdfmnknsdn