It’s been a rough few days and I think it will be the same all week. I’m just in a weird place. There is a battle raging in my brain right now and I just don’t know who is winning or who will win. Right now I think the fat me is winning against the skinny me. I’ve just lost control and can’t seem to get it back and it’s making me really impulsive. I don’t know how to explain it but my brain is currently stuck in a cycle of food thoughts. I can’t seem to stop thinking about food, I think all day about the things I love and really want but then the other side of my brain is screaming no! stop thinking about that stuff. Eat this not that, but I want this, but you can’t.
I’m so bored with restricting, I know that is why I am having such a hard time, I can’t handle boredom & not eating is boring. Eating things is exciting to me, I think that is why I am so addicted to the food now. It replaced the excitement & thrill I used to get from drugs.
How can I replace something with the food thrill? I don’t know, that is the problem. I enjoy the gym, once I am there, but I just don’t get the high that other people get from it. Maybe I’m not pushing hard enough to get the high.
I’m also very conflicted by fucking Christmas right now. Every time I turn around someone is pushing free treats in my face. Everyday there is a new batch of holiday something or other left in the work kitchen or the company is giving us free food or the coffee shop downstairs had free coffee & muffins for everyone. I was trying to be good this morning but the coffee shop in our work building had free cranberry orange muffins, which are my all time favorite and they aren’t easy to find. So of course I had one & now I hate myself for it. I know when I go home this weekend it will be the same, I will see friends well go out to eat & drink & I will be fat.
My drinking is out of control too, I just can’t get by without drinking. Sure I can go a few days but then I just really want a drink. I know I will be drinking heavily over the break too with all my friends back home. Egg nog with bourbon or goldschlagger with apple cider, wine, martinis & lots of beer I am sure.
My mom is pretty cool about everything though, she’s not cooking anything while I am home or baking and she said we could do the diet drink every week for a few days too, so I hope that will help keep me from ballooning too much.
I’m trying to look towards the new year for a new start but I don’t know maybe I will just be fat and unhappy forever.