Broken maybe…

I sort of feel like I have reached my breaking point maybe. I don’t know. I’m just kind of disgusted with myself in general today.  I do so well during the day but I can’t seem to get away from binging late at night right before bed.  I tell myself no but then I do it anyway. The voice in the back of my head isn’t strong enough to fight with the rest of me yet. I tried so so hard to be good yesterday & then blew it.

I seriously think there should be recovery or support groups for candy addicts like me.  I joke about it a lot but the amount in which it controls my life is starting to scare me.  I’ve clearly replaced one addiction with another. I never even used to like candy that much as a kid, especially chocolate, I hated chocolate. Now I fricken binge on it at 1 in the morning.  

Image

I ate like 6 Ghirardelli candies last night, that’s like 600calories! I also binged on the last of the potato chips in my house.  My old addiction made me lose weight, my new one makes me gain weight. 😦  I don’t sleep enough which is one problem, I go to bed too late and then I binge right before bed while I am trying to get sleepy enough to go to sleep. I think I need to start doping myself at night because the weed doesn’t work fast enough. 

It’s not just the food thing either though, my room & life is a mess right now. I have a mountain of clothes in my room 3ft high & I have no desire to pick it up. I need to get rid of some of my clothes, I have so many clothes I go without doing laundry for at least a month maybe longer.  I just keep climbing over the junk in my room like it’s not there.  Who does that?

I’ve been trying to stay so positive through the last few weeks so I don’t eat my feelings but I think it’s more my anti-anxiety medicine doing it for me.  Even though its for my anxiety it’s an anti-depressent.  I have been happier and nicer to people since being on it because I just don’t really give a fuck about anything or worry about anything anymore. This is great in some aspects and horrible in others.

I honestly just want to curl up and go to sleep, never waking up again. If I knew a drug dealer in LA I would be all over that shit by now. These are the times when I really just want to use so badly, just fall back into my old routine of drugs and not eating, drugs and hating food because eating it made me sick while on the drugs. But I don’t want to lose everything again, start over again from rock bottom. Just a boost, something to help me stay focused and on track.  Get shit done, get things clean, finish projects, be truly productive.

 

I just need to get back in control of things, I just don’t know how anymore.

Advertisements

About smashvip

A fat girl who was skinny once, just trying to find her way back to skinny & happy. You gotta look good to survive LA LA land.
This entry was posted in Thinspiration and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Broken maybe…

  1. Undead Ahead says:

    I used recreationally. Not for long though. I’d only use if it was offered and we were going out. I recently realized why I felt decent about myself back then. Using and being out every weekend, not eating and just partying kept the weight off. Then when I did eat I didn’t put it on cause I went out again on the weekend plus I could barely eat much. My life is NOT like that anymore. I think that’s what bugs me cause I hate going to the gym. it makes me feel depressed and hate myself more. I can totally relate to wanting to use.. now it’s all about diet pills instead of shit that kept me awake or kept me feelilng happy.

  2. smashvip says:

    yup totally I started out recreationally until I started dating a drug dealer, it was all downhill from there but I was happy then I think. I certainly felt better about myself because I was the hot chick that could party hard with the boys. My life’s not like that anymore though either. I pretty much left MN where I grew up to get away from that life and start new but it’s always at the back of my mind. No one here knows about that past either so I have no one I can talk to about it but that’s probably for the best. I have this blog instead 🙂

  3. lifestrickery says:

    😦 I totally get it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s