I sort of feel like I have reached my breaking point maybe. I don’t know. I’m just kind of disgusted with myself in general today. I do so well during the day but I can’t seem to get away from binging late at night right before bed. I tell myself no but then I do it anyway. The voice in the back of my head isn’t strong enough to fight with the rest of me yet. I tried so so hard to be good yesterday & then blew it.
I seriously think there should be recovery or support groups for candy addicts like me. I joke about it a lot but the amount in which it controls my life is starting to scare me. I’ve clearly replaced one addiction with another. I never even used to like candy that much as a kid, especially chocolate, I hated chocolate. Now I fricken binge on it at 1 in the morning.
I ate like 6 Ghirardelli candies last night, that’s like 600calories! I also binged on the last of the potato chips in my house. My old addiction made me lose weight, my new one makes me gain weight. 😦 I don’t sleep enough which is one problem, I go to bed too late and then I binge right before bed while I am trying to get sleepy enough to go to sleep. I think I need to start doping myself at night because the weed doesn’t work fast enough.
It’s not just the food thing either though, my room & life is a mess right now. I have a mountain of clothes in my room 3ft high & I have no desire to pick it up. I need to get rid of some of my clothes, I have so many clothes I go without doing laundry for at least a month maybe longer. I just keep climbing over the junk in my room like it’s not there. Who does that?
I’ve been trying to stay so positive through the last few weeks so I don’t eat my feelings but I think it’s more my anti-anxiety medicine doing it for me. Even though its for my anxiety it’s an anti-depressent. I have been happier and nicer to people since being on it because I just don’t really give a fuck about anything or worry about anything anymore. This is great in some aspects and horrible in others.
I honestly just want to curl up and go to sleep, never waking up again. If I knew a drug dealer in LA I would be all over that shit by now. These are the times when I really just want to use so badly, just fall back into my old routine of drugs and not eating, drugs and hating food because eating it made me sick while on the drugs. But I don’t want to lose everything again, start over again from rock bottom. Just a boost, something to help me stay focused and on track. Get shit done, get things clean, finish projects, be truly productive.
I just need to get back in control of things, I just don’t know how anymore.