Getting my groove back

Well I have finally started to get back on track with things. I haven’t binged in 3 days and I am doing well with my restrictions.  I joined a couple of weight loss competitions  for the month of May as well. I hope that the competitive aspect will help keep me motivated and focused.

The main may competition I joined has 3 rules:

1) 1200 cals or less/day

2) 30 minutes of exercise/day

3) 2 liters of water/day

The hardest one for me will be the exercising. I tried to get up this morning but my 2nd alarm didn’t go off and I slept in.  Then I woke up to a plumbing problem in the kitchen. I am going to have to call the landlord tonight about it so I will have to spend the evening cleaning up the house, which I think I can turn into exercise.  I need to exercise more again though because I have gotten so lazy, I am back up to 176 and that is just horrible. 

I have to weigh in for one of the competitions tomorrow so maybe I have lost a little weight already this week.  Here’s to hoping.  Also I am now on Kik: Smashinglyfab if anyone ever wants to chat. 

 

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Irritable

I have been depressed since my friends passing and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of the funk.  Going to work has been the biggest struggle. I feel myself getting more and more irritable with each day too. Today I almost snapped, well I did snap, just a little. 

I couldn’t find my keycard this morning when I came into work and in the past you would just call on the scanner and they would open the gate.  THis always creates a long line of people waiting behind you to get in. So the last time it happened I went to the visitor parking. Well when you went to the visitor parking they give you shit for not having it and blah blah blah.  So instead of being bitched at I decided to go with the buzz in method.  WEll apparently management changed and so did that rule.  I had to wait for an attendant to come out and all he did was tell me to back out and go through visitor! WTF. I had to back out with about 15 people behind me and valet my car in visitor parking. I hate valet, I hate it so much and i do everything i can to avoid it, so this really pissed me off.  Then I get into the office and my computer isn’t working.  I try to ask if my login got changed over the weekend because there were maintenance issues but all I got in response was blank stares like I was speaking a foreign language.

 

I know I am on edge because these stupid little small things have set me off so bad. I closed my office and just started crying for a bit.  I pulled myself together but I just can’t bare the though of actually doing anything. I just want to not be here and go home. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to work. I just want to stare comatose out the window.

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Previous post

I have done a post about Betsey Johnson and my job, because I pictures in there that would give away my identity and I am breaking my contract a bit. So if you are my follower I will give you the password so you can read about the fun!

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Long Absence

I would like to apologize for my long absence on here. A lot has been going on, mostly bad but hopefully I can pull it together after this weekend. I don’t even know what I talked about on her last but I got my nose pierced &  cute little wrist tattoo a few weeks ago. After the nose piercing my mother disowned me & we are still not speaking.  She doesn’t even know about the tattoo yet either. We have only communicated through text message here and there.  She let me know her cancer biopsy came back negative which was good & meant I didn’t have to fly back to MN for her surgery.  We went from talking every other day to not speaking for 3 weeks now.  

A friend of mine and former coworker killed himself last week. Since he worked at our company for many many years practically everyone knew him or knew of him.  He was that kind of person, he just burst into any room & made everyone happy. I never saw him sad or mad, he was always the most cheerful person I knew.  The party didn’t start until he arrived & then things got fun.  His death devastated everyone and we are all still trying to piece things together.  I try not to think about it too hard because every time I do I start to picture how his death may have happened & that is terrifying.  He jump from the 16th floor of his apartment building and landed by the pool. We work on the 16th & 17th floors of our building so every time I look out the window down to the street I imagine it & the terror he must have felt as he was falling.  Video  cameras showed him running and jumping, so we know he didn’t fall but I honestly think it was an impulse which means he regretted it the whole way down. A witness also said he was shouting stuff the whole way down which freaks me out even more, I wish his girlfriend had never told us that part.  It makes me sick to think about it.  His family’s memorial will be on Sunday so once that is over with I need to try and get back on track with my life.

I have fallen so far off the wagon with everything the last 2 weeks.  I’ve been binge eating on anything & everything along with drinking & smoking really heavily every night.  I know I am back in the 170s, I just don’t know how bad it is because I don’t want to weigh myself.

The saddest thing to me though is how desensitized I am to suicide. Give me a natural death or accident & I will ball like a baby but when someone kills themselves I’m pretty fine. I was messed up initially but I have been handling it pretty well.  Maybe because it still doesn’t feel real but he makes #6 of my friends who have killed themselves and after a while it doesn’t surprise you as much or shock you anymore like it does other people who haven’t experienced it.  So many people were mad at him but I know there is no point in being mad.  I was mad about others for years but it doesn’t change anything to be mad, the person is still gone.  I think it was the fact that he jumped that messed me up so much. I have experienced hanging & shotgun deaths but never a jumper.  Experiencing that fall and know when you hit your dead, is a terrible thought to me.  It just makes me fear death even more then before & certainly hasn’t helped with my anxiety.

I will try and update more, especially if I can get back on the wagon after I eat my emotions at his memorial  on Sunday.

 

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Lazy

I haven’t blogged much lately because I have been lazy & extremely busy at work.

Some good news, I broke through the 170’s this week & as of yesterday I was 167.4!  Hopefully it isn’t a fluke & I don’t jump back up to the 170’s ever again! I lost 1.5 lbs on Tuesday morning and then another 1.5 on Wednesday morning. This week I have been doing the Skinny Girl Diet. It’s like the ABC diet but better. You have a set calorie amount every day but you can eat as many fruits and vegetables as you want. So the only calories you are really counting are your proteins, dairy & junk. It has been going really great.  I bought a bunch of fresh food on Sunday and have had lean protein & veggies for lunch everyday. I still haven’t really been eating dinner because I haven’t been hungry.  I really think that must be from my anxiety medicine because when I started on it is when I stopped eating dinner. I only got to work on out Monday morning so far this week but Intermediate hooping begins on Saturday so I am pumped for that to begin again!  I have been a little light headed on this diet but I don’t care.

I also got my nose pierced the other night. I just ended up getting a stud, I really like it though and can’t wait until I can put a little ring through it.  This is a pic of the stud close up.

peacock opal

It’s called blue peacock opal.

 

She didn’t even notice the stud, she thought I just got my hair done.  So I said I got my nose pierced & then she was pissed off about it an disowned me through text message. She said even though it wasn’t my septum (which is what I wanted) the disowning threat still applied because 1 piercing was enough.  I told her I was almost 30 & that I was living my life for me from now on.  I have always held off on being the person I really want to be because of how my family felt.  Mostly my grandfather who I considered my father. When I got my monroe I got a black stud so it looked like beauty mark to please him. Now that he is passed I don’t feel like I have to please anyone but myself & now that my mom hates me it really doesn’t matter.  I love tattoos I love piercings, I love funky punky colored hair. My job doesn’t care so I can do whatever I want & still have a big career.

I made a tattoo appointment for after easter to get my wrists tattooed.  I am going to get a japanese lucky cat on each one to represent my childhood cats that passed away these last couple of years. Then when my 2 current cats pass, or maybe before I will get ones for them on the fronts of my shoulders/chest.  That will really piss her off but it will make me happy!

Anyway because of my mom my anxiety has been through the roof today and I started feeling depressed about it but I am trying to push through because I am happy with it.

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Mom Update

Just got texts from my mom, she has a fibroid tumor which isn’t life threatening but it will make you bleed a lot.  But they also found the wall of her uterus was thickening which I guess could mean cancer. They are going to do a biopsy but I haven’t heard back on whether they are doing it now or if she has to schedule another damn appointment for that.  

She also didn’t say whether they were going to do anything for the tumor. From what I know about them you aren’t even supposed to be able to get them after menopause but I suppose since she does hormone treatments they triggered one to grow.  They vary in size but I feel like it must be pretty big if she is bleeding that much.  The largest one ever was 140lbs! Can you imagine?  Maybe this is why my mom can’t lose weight.

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My mom (graphic ladies stuff)

I just got a call from my mom.  She was at home because something bad had happened at work.  

My mom in the last couple of years has had a lot of kidney stones, & UTIs. She sees a doctor & gets medicine to help when they flare up but no one can really tell her why this has just started happening.  She also has done some hormone treatments since going through menopause.  The last round of hormone implants she had were done wrong and made her really sick, they also made her bleed erratically. But since it is an implant all you can do is try and counter act it with other drugs or ride it out. Since they had worn off she has been fine until the other day.  

The bleeding started back up and she isn’t on any hormones now so she had a uterine ultrasound to see if something else was wrong.  That was yesterday, well I guess after last night she went to the bathroom and before she could pull her pants up, blood spilled out everywhere.  She said there was a 6in. puddle on the floor! She said she called the emergency room but by then it stopped again.

So then today she wore a big pad to work (she can’t wear tampons anymore), she had a big meeting & was in front of a council with the press behind her. While she was standing up she said she could feel it happening like a faucet.  She stood frozen hoping everything would go fast (they were voting) but knowing she could be stuck there for at least 30min.  She said she was so afraid that blood was running down her legs or that her pants were staining in front of all the cameras.  They voted quickly though and she got out and headed for the bathroom.  She said her pad was soaked through & everything was covered in blood. Thank god she was wearing black pants.  Anyway she is home now & had a DR appointment in an hour anyway so she is just going to go in then. 

She kept asking me if all that was normal if you had a heavy flow period, which I have always had but it has never been that extreme.  That sounded terrifying to me. My mom barely ever had her period growing up, I think her weight played a big part of that so she doesn’t even know what a average period is like.

To me none of what is happening to her is right. Even with the ultra sound I don’t think a woman of her age should be bleeding that much if at all. She is really worried she is going to have to have emergency surgery and I am too. I wish I could be there for her right now but I’m not. 😦 Depending on what is happening I might be making a quick trip to MN this weekend. 😦

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Quick Update: weight, car, life

Lost 3lbs, at 170.2 this morning but I’m not holding my breath, this has happened multiple times now and I still haven’t been able to break past 170 but we will see.

Took my new sleeping pills that I got yesterday, Trazadone.  Took a half, fell asleep by 10 and slept all night till 8am, felt great waking up refreshed & it’;s so nice to not be yawning all day long.

Fucked my car up this morning in my work parking garage.  Some asshole parked shitty and I tried to pull in next to him scrapping the side of my car on a pillar. Pretty pissed but I think it can be buffed out.  I also had my check engine light & a couple other warning lights come on the other night.  So I will spend my Saturday sitting at the dealiship till it’s fix or whatever.  I called the dealership by my house (they have bad reviews so I never go) but they said they couldn’t do it on the weekend because of staff and could only do that big of work during the week! WTF if it’s a big job all the more reason I need it done on the weekend so I don’t need a rental car.  I decided to say fuck that place and call my dealership I bought it at even though it’s an hour away. They could get me in first thing tomorrow no problem.  I hate that dealerships are so dependent on the owner making it a good place or bad place.

 

Tried the Cool Ranch Doritos loco last night, cuz I have been waiting for it to come out for months and it’s pretty damn good! Talk to ya’ll after the weekend!

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Thinspo pick me up

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I just love cute little hipster asian girls. so fashionable, so skinny & so cute!

I felt like posting some thinspo to try and make me feel better. I posted most of these on twitter the other day but some don’t look at twitter and some don’t look at the blog so yea.

 

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hip bones & boy shorts

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Amazing before & after

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For the future

 

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Trying to make this my new motto.

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I love her hipbones but the bruises on the legs creeps me out a little

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I love shoulder blades you can grab onto

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hippie chick bikinis

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hot

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